Right now, as I sit at the table with my laptop, today is getting the side-eye and is dangerously close to being flipped the bird. Today has been a struggle. A struggle for me. A struggle for my husband. Maybe the cat has struggled too. It's hard to tell. She sleeps a lot. Anyways, the husband works evenings. So, I make dinner and then bring it to him at work. I hang with him while he eats and then I head home. Usually, it's awesome. Today? Not so much.
I came home feeling down and discouraged. He was having a bad night and his mood totally overpowered my mood. Maybe it's just me. It probably is. You see, I'm a fixer. I like to fix things, and when I can't fix them it ain't pretty. It's hard to fix my husband because he lets one bad thing screw up his whole day. He can't brush it off. That one bad thing envelopes his whole being until you are just like, "Oh my Lord! I can't be near you because it just makes me want to be angry!"
A friend of mine says that you make your mood. No one can hurt your feelings unless you let them. It's so true, but sometimes it's really hard not to let my mood be effected. I live with him. I love him. When he hurts, I hurt. It's what this marriage thing is. I don't like to hurt. I don't like for him to hurt. So when we are both hurting, it sucks. It hurts even more that I can't fix it. That there is nothing I can do or say that will make it better.
Here is the thing though. This marriage deal? It ain't easy.
That's right. I'm spillin' the beans here. It's not easy. It's hard. Really hard.
I was the last of my circle of friends to get married. Several of them got married pretty early. They've been married for four or five years now. I've watched them hit their bumps in the road and I drew the conclusion that this marriage thing isn't for the faint of heart.
They said things like:
"It's so hard."
"He does ____ _____ and _____ and he won't change."
and my personal favorite:
"This isn't the fairytale I was promised."
Now, that last one is a real doozie. I mean, I want to know who made that promise, because I didn't get those promises.
During bridal showers, and late night talks over wedding details with family and friends, I heard repeatedly how tough this would be.
I was never promised a fairytale. I was never promised perfection. I was never ever promised easy.
I was promised difficult.
I was promised hard work.
I was promised struggles.
It's reality. It's ugly sometimes. But sometimes? Sometimes it's the most beautiful thing I have ever known.
It's loud and angry sometimes. But sometimes? It's soft and sweet.
It's hard. But sometimes? Sometimes it's so easy and simple. Sometimes it is flawless.
But the good times? The times where I look over at him, and his hair is crazy and he is laughing that weird laugh of his, and my heart screams love so loud that I'm amazed the whole world doesn't hear it. Those are the times that make tonight livable.
I'll hurt with him tonight. And when he gets home? I'll hug him and tell him how much I love him. And I'll hope. I'll hope that tomorrow is better. I'll hope that if tomorrow is a struggle, that God grants us the strength and the patience to love through it. And God will. Because that's just the kinda person God is.
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